1. Enjoy picking the fleas out of small dog's fur and crunching them under your fingers.
2. Contemplate the horror of the fire that almost burned down your house. Stand in awe and confusion and relief while watching the parallel dimensional self arrive to a burnt down house. This is a universe in which cranberry juice does not exist.
3. Appreciate gentle reminders of real life.
4. Imagine the clever conversations you might have with the middle schoolers next door on the stoop, something that would prove to them that you are certainly no longer in middle school anymore, and you no longer adhere to middle school rules.
5. Think of the today's nebulous shape of feelings and spaces, from running by the sea and hearing stories of heartbreak to peace and breathing and feet up on the wall and sleeping dog.
6. Fall helplessly at your own feet. Fall in love and in awe at the shape you made in time with your imperfect body and sad, sad, self-obsessed soul.
7. Did you love somebody today? Were you gentle?
8. If you were gentle you get 10 points.
9. Listen to a voice that makes all of the smiles in my nerves fireworks, and the nerves in my smiles turn to fireworks, and turn into Katy Perry, and be heartbroken by Russell Brand.
9b. If you have recovered from your Russell Brand heartbreak, move forward 10 spaces of transcendence.
10. This morning we were Grumps, and I remembered how important it is to say Hi, I am thinking about you.
11. Hi, I am thinking about you, because you exist. You are alone where you are and I am alone where I am but you exist because I am thinking about you and because I am thinking about you I also exist. Somebody famous said that, I think it was Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch.
12. Everybody says you are working hard, don't tell them the truth, that you are actually just watching the John Lennon biopic "Nowhere Boy."
13. Send a limousine or a fairy to pick up your so-called-best-friend from a far away land and take them to Cuba to reenact an escape to America.
14. Don't use any actual names, hide names in other names.
15. Alterego name-dropping.
17. Hot bed.
19. Be ready and gracious and forgiving.
20. finally, a narrative: today i was a whore's corpse buried deep inside a mattress and i couldn't get up cause i was dead. there's no more life. but somebody said hey it's okay get up and come look at the sea, don't be afraid of life, don't worry about what you care about or what you want, just act, just do, because otherwise you will not lift a finger. just keep doing. so my fingers played piano and i felt okay again. and i started not panicking about flat 9s. that's for losers. and i stopped and stared and inhaled plastic. and i gave treats. and i sang KORN. and this was a day full of life and at first i said no.
my car is full of plastic. barbie's last name is roberts or jones or something. she is all-american. barbie is the only one who can save us from global warming. totally greenhouse barbie. barbie's teats will nurse all of the polar bears back to life. and we'll sing gospel hymns out of every 90s song. and we'll be okay now that we have your phone records.
21. Is Snowden a Hero?