1. Decide to lift up the rock. Find a hundred a thousand worms of self pity, self loathing, pouts.
2. Cancel the song "Stranded in the Jungle"
3. How do you know you still have a place in this world? Because you are still breathing on it? Because you have not been destroyed?
4. Try to destroy yourself anyhow.
5. Four years in LA, four years of sad sunsets, a handful of bike rides over uneven pavement, spilling coffee on desks, stains on screens, cut hedges, small flowering blueberry bushes, early morning downtown walks, wondering about money and why can't this money build a small bright city.
6. The only thing you have is your mind, grandma said don't lose your mind.
7. Cheese and crackers, Shark Coochie
8. Looking at all of the women and still having a layer a sheen a silly shirt not quite sure how to be in your body not quite sure how to be old or a human or a sexual being, all of this uncertainty and why don't you love it yet?
9. A tenderness. Break your heart over and over again and make mistakes. Climb and be strong watch yourself become a gorilla just like you wanted to.
10. Sell the house. Sell the filth. Sell the dream. Sell the song. Sell the tears.
11. What is?
12. I don't know anything about stories anymore but I got rid of a typewriter and there's nothing useful here at all. I don't have much to say but maybe I will. I lived the American Dream.
13. What I want is ease.
14. And love.
15. The game I play called I Will Never Love Again is a game that makes me laugh and cry but not love
16. Laughing and crying are kinds of loving
17. Laugh-crying is my love language.
18. The selfish worm, the one in the apple.
19. I can't let go of that
20. Dream
21. But what if
22. I could
