Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Look at Me

Watch me dance Watch me jump into the pool I'm a ballerina, Mommy Look at me I can play the piano Look Mommy watch me eat breakfast Watch me digest my food Isn't this neat? Look at me Look at me Look at my IV Look at my blood drain Mommy watch me bleed You gave me blood Mommy thank you Watch me masturbate and scramble words and be dishonest with everybody I meet Watch me cry Look at me retreat from reality Mommy Look at me I'm growing big and strong and I am now in the 25-34 age bracket according to the El Pollo Loco survey. Look at me I have a blog. I am beautiful and I love life and I want to be honest and I want to know what I believe, just like you. Introducing games to play with yourself.

1. Game One. Start a blog about games to play with yourself, in which the first entry is written from little girl to Mommy- functions simultaneously as a vague emotional purge and an apology for blogging. A blogpology. I ablogogize.

2. Game Two. Humans make plans, god laughs.
Outline plans for somebody else's life. Could be as simple as a to-do list or as extreme as specific wife-hunting instructions. Must be detailed. Hand it to somebody on the street. Exercises in taking direction.

3. Game Three A. What's the difference between an exercise and a game and a question?

4. Game Three B. Dilineate your paradigm and stop talking gobbledygook. You're not smart, you just breathe.

5. Game Four. Play the presents/presence game. Consciously construct sentences observing where you are and what you are doing. Is that how your mind works? My mind is mostly spinning around obsessions, too busy to actually think about what is going on around me. I tried not doing that today. Today I walked to the hospital to see my mom and as I walked through the parking lot I started making observations and making sentences in my mind about what I was experiencing with my 5 senses. When I did that I remembered... "This is a tree. This is a pink flower. There is a man with a shiny bald head. There is a woman with sandals. She is pretty. There is an older man walking with a limp. Is he feeling okay?" And I actually remember seeing these people today. No judging, just seeing. Is that how you guys do it? I think my obsessions and addictions have crowded out actual thought and learning lately... time to fix it.

6. Game Five. Become a scientist. I think I would respect myself more if I did.

I can make myself cry, I can't make myself vomit unless I think too much about what my insides look like.

I often feel like a complete idiot. This blog is purgatory.

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