Monday, June 29, 2009

Walking with a New Mind through Ducks and Antonyms

Game #1 Find the opposites in your life and the lists. List what you have and then the opposites.

Love, the opposite of suicide.
Mother goose, the opposite of Father Duck. They follow each other through the streets to the park from the lake and wait for somebody to giggle through them until they fly.
Certainty, the opposite of uncertainty.
Comfortable, the opposite of uncomfortable
Isolated fool, sad clown, the opposite of happy (un)clown
Here, the opposite of there.
Alone, the opposite of together.
Sound, the opposite of silence.
Child's pose, the opposite of warrior.
Corpse pose.
Specific, the opposite of vague.
Fear opposite of courage.

Game #2 Describe today in your favorite song lyric... "I stare at the scrape on the heel of my hand til it doesn't sting so much... and until the blood dries... and when somebody asks if I'm okay I don't know what to say." (Wild Sage) Why not? I'm listening to it right now. Another straightforward in-the-moment present song to try to get me where I am.

Game #3 Ask some people to give you some words about you. Chew on them.

Game #4 Stay silent, erupt in discomfort. Pockets and pouches.

Game #5 Identify turning points, such as the moment the play became a musical. (When they turned around in a musical burst toward the audience, different levels.) Identify the point when I softened.

Game #6 Dress up in costume, write a new song. (This actually did happen) And turn it into flashdance. Make suggestions, and stake a claim, and hide.

I'm doing it anyhow, I'm walking through it. It's very uncomfortable, with some interesting moments. Woke up, went to a meeting, counting my gratitudes, trying to be here, and whenever I'm in a new place, I am vaguely aware that all of these sights and sounds are absorbed. I will remember these fondly vaguely weakly strongly when I'm home again, and that's a beautiful thing. Era is captured. I'll remember in one memory breath yesterday's run around the lake, the people I saw, the hot heat, the Berkeley yoga class, the constant tension, the heart stopping and going, the sadness without crying, the isolation in light of everything and everyone, trusting I am closer to where I need to be, faith in nothingness, new songs, costumes, ideas, investments. Chewing gum, new planner. Little moments, little connections. Yesterday's rehearsal...
those games. To feel so connected and in tune with a group, what a glorious gift! That is the most precious thing, the thing I desire require and do indeed have at times in this life. That feeling of being part of a community.

Quirky moments of humor. Certainty with uncertainty. Who else might that describe?

I dreamt last night that a murder I committed came back to haunt me, would not leave me alone, limbs reappearing in dumpsters, I had to reconnect an old gypsy's body parts. The horrible guilt of something from my past... but I couldn't have done something so bad! was the thought. and yet i had.

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